Jaded... yet still AMAZED

I think one of the worst things about working at a theme park, is that you can get jaded quite quickly. The fun... excitement... wonder... it all gets sucked away in the blink of an eye. You don't wonder "how did they do that", because you have seen how it's done. You don't wonder how things work, because you have worked on them, and know the ins-and-outs of it all.

A good example of this came a few years back, when I was at a friend's house (Steve and Cookie's). We were watching an acrobatic show on TV. I said, "It's not that impressive to me", to which Cookie responded, "Don't be cocky, you couldn't do that"... but she misunderstood. When you spend your day watching "world class performers" doing amazing things all day... they cease to be amazing anymore. "That girl can not only do the splits, she can pull her leg up to a 45 degree angle OFF the floor"..... meh, been there, done that, have the T-Shirt.....

With all of this "amazingness" around me (it's a word... look it up), and the "jadedness" that builds up because of where I work, (not a word, but whatever) there is still one thing that always amazes me...

To be more specific, there is one PERSON I find more amazing every day. She deals with things that would make other people crumble... and still has the ability to be there for me too. She puts up with more shit than I could imagine, and still has time to listen to me vent about what's going on in my life. I am always amazed at how compassionate she can be, even when the people she is dealing with are being complete and utter douche-bags.

I never want to take you for granted. I want to make sure that I am always telling you how precious you are to me... how terrific you are in all the things that I need in a partner. The things that "matter" to me always seem to be important to you... and even the "stupid little things", the things that are really not a big deal... you make sure they are taken care of too.... ON TOP of dealing with your own crap. I *DO* notice, and I really appreciate everything that you do for me, and everything that you do WITH me.

I am coming out of a LONG relationship, with someone who I don't feel ever really had "my interests" at heart. I don't think she ever wanted me to have the things that I wanted... she wanted me to do the things that SHE wanted, and have only the things that SHE felt I/we needed... Don't get me wrong, having your own needs and wants is important, but wanting the things that your partner wants is even more important, in my opinion.

This is another area, where you shine! Even if the thing that I want is stupid and ridiculous (like a $500 remote-control car)... you don't say "you don't need that" or "you are not spending $500 on an RC car"... instead, it's dealt with with tact and courtesy... love and care. I feel both heard and understood. I feel appreciated and loved (and for the record, was still told "no").

The things that you do are astounding. Five months ago, when I started this blog, I titled it "Out of the Ashes" because I was burnt out, and at an all-time low. People who I thought were going to be "on my side" turned their backs on me, and my faith in humanity was almost non-existent. YOU, almost single-handedly, have brought me back from the brink of destruction... YOU have helped me through some of the darkest times in my life. From helping me get through this separation, to helping me cope with the loss of my Mom, to helping me deal with life-stress. I honestly feel like a Phoenix, burnt beyond all recognition... but now I am able to soar.

Once I had made the decision to end my last relationship, I thought that "love" was going to be a thing of the past... but I have found that it is more my future, than my past. I didn't know it would be possible to love someone THIS MUCH, to truly feel appreciated and cared for, to feel wanted and cherished, to feel admired and understood...

You, ma'am, are the most amazing woman on the planet, and I love you more than you could ever understand. I am so glad that I have you in my life... and I want to make sure that all of these things are communicated to you, officially. I know that you "know" most of these things, but I want to make sure I TELL you... EVERY DAY

In a world where I feel jaded and unimpressed by almost everything around me, you are AMAZING!

Decisions

I have always loved the ability to "choose". Whether you are looking at life from a religious viewpoint, or some other form of existentialism... our ability as human beings to CHOOSE our path is what makes us great. We have the ability to choose when we get up... we have the ability to choose where we go... we have the ability to choose who we associate with...

My life has taken a few major turns in the past 6 months, and with those turns come choices. Do I go left, or do I go right? Is THIS the right direction for my life, or is it taking me further from where I truly want to be? Love them or hate them, I had to choose. Sitting stagnant is not an option for me, so in the left-right-left road of my life... I did, and AM DOING what I feel is right. Do I expect everyone around me to understand or even accept those choices? No. I don't care if you understand why I am doing something... and I really don't care if you like it... I am doing what I need to do.

I understand that there are some who will read this blog and have NO IDEA what is going on, but I am not going to air my dirty laundry here. If you want to know what is going on... ASK. Don't ask someone who you think "knows me"... ASK **ME**.

I knew from the start of this current journey that the drama was going to start. I knew that people were going to talk, having made up their minds before they bothered to find out the whole story. I knew that people were going to pick sides based primarily on emotion, and not based on anything "reasonable".

I don't have a problem with people picking sides... it's part of the situation. I don't have a problem with people talking about what is going on... word is going to get out eventually. What I *DO* have a problem with, is people spreading half-truths or blatant lies. If you don't know what the situation is, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! If you want to know what's going on, ask me. I am tired of people thinking that they know what is going on based on rumors, and then perpetuating those rumors... or worse... embellishing them with their own color and flare to make it more interesting.

I would have a lot more respect for the people talking if they would just come to me and say, "I think you are ____. Prove or disprove..." Then dialogue could begin. I could EXPLAIN what is going on, where I am at, both mentally and emotionally, explain how I got here... and we could move on with our lives. Instead these people feel the need to chatter amongst themselves, trying to understand what is going on without going to the ONLY person who actually knows. If we haven't been speaking extensively for the past 6-9 months... it is pretty safe to say you have no clue where I am at. The people that I TRUST know what's going on, and have been kept up to speed. If you have heard what is going on from someone else, especially if that person you are hearing from is someone I don't talk to on a regular basis... I can almost guarantee that your information is wrong.

I'm not ashamed of where I am at, nor am I ashamed of the path that brought me here. Do I have regrets... yeah. Hind-sight is always 20-20... but I am here, and I'm not going to try to undo the past because someone else thinks that I did something wrong.

The TL;DR version...

STOP TALKING SHIT! 

If you have something to say to me... say it to my face. Feel free to get upset with me, I can take it. Feel free to call me whatever names are going to make you feel better when you walk away, I don't mind. Feel free to pick a side, and support your decision, but don't try to justify your side by starting rumors or spreading half-truths. If you can't do any of those things... forget you knew me and go away. We'll both be better off in the long run.

LASTLY:

To those few people who have been there for me through all of this, and continue to stand by me... THANK YOU. There is a reason that I chose you as friends, and I am honestly glad to have you in my life.